my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
