I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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