apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
