I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
