Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
