Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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