he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
