maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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