ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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