you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize