doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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