I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
