shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
