Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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