When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
