If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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