dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
did i walk over a car last night?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
