I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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