I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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