never play flip cup with pint glasses
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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