Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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