As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
