Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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