my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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