I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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