The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
