I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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