I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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