I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
