She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
