His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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