I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
