yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
