Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize