I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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