i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
