I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Do you remember whose house we're in?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
