I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize