I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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