Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
