You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
