Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
my poor anus
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
