It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
