I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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