You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
