I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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