I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
