I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
