When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
