i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
