Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
