you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can text with my tongue
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
