I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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