rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
