what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
